I just don't know what to do anymore...

I hate working at Subway....after yesterday I never want to set foot in Ted's again...now both of the girls are going to fail....and I feel selfish by going to school for myself. (not to mention stretched out and over tired all the time.) Michele and Paul want to use me in a different capacity at Ted's but I just don't want to be there at all anymore. I don't think that moving me in the restaurant and giving me different responibilites is the answer. I worked at Ted's last night and cried about 3/4 of the time I was there. I do wonder is my life getting that bad or is there something wrong w/ me mentally or maybe something else that I'm missing. I don't feel like I'm completely doing anything. Everything is half assed and last minute. Someone please tell me that it's going to get better....easier....something. I'm stressed out, sleep deprived, and rushing all the time. I stayed up half the night, so now I'm tired and don't want to get out of bed. Then I rush to school....collect all the homework that I have to do sometime b4 the next class. Then I rush to Subway, b/c to be a help to them I have to get there b4 lunch rush. Then from Subway I usually only have about 30 mins to change clothes, make sure that my hair doesn't look like it has just been under a baseball cap and drive 30mins to Ted's. Then I will be there all night...it doesn't matter if I get cut early or what I'm there til close trying to get everything done that they now want. So sometime between 11pm and 1am I start my homework that is going to be due the next day. At which point it starts all over.

I'm paying for school myself, Greg pays childsupport only barely, my car is going to die soon, I hate my jobs, the girls are going to fail the grades that they are in and I just don't know what to do anymore!! It's gotten so bad that I doubt myself and the ones that actually care about me even more.

In over my head? Yeah...yeah I think so!

Well last night about 11:30pm I realized that not only had I missed a parent teacher meeting, but I missed turning in about 5 typing lessons. NOT GOOD!! There went my GPA. I have mediation w/ Greg tomorrow...I'm not looking forward to it. The girls have already been brain washed for the weekend. They came home crying that they don't see their father enough....my thinking is that almost everytime they see their father they come home sick or needing to go to the doctors shortly after....I think that they see him too much.....LOL . Only kidding! (well sort of) I know that it is important to keep their relationship w/ their father open and healthy. ( for them of course not me!) I'm just overwhelmed w/ everything and most of it could be fixed by Greg paying his childsupport. I wouldn't have to work two jobs, be gone from the girls all the time, I could focus on school more and not have to do my homework in the middle of the night!! On any given day I go from school to Subway to Ted's to home. So basically I leave home about 7:45am and get back at 11:30pm. No wonder I am tired all the time!!

The point of me starting this blog was so I could look back and see that things are getting better. I don't see that yet.

Is the Semester over YET!?!

I'm starting to feel very overwelmed and worn out. If I do anything other than work or school...I get soo backed up w/ work it's not even funny. I feel guilty b/c I feel like I'm only halfway doing anything....I only sorta work 2 jobs (my mind is always on what I have to get done as far as school), only kinda a girlfriend ( I don't feel like I have real time to devote to a relationship), and I'm sucking as a parent right now. I keep telling myself that it will get better but it just seems to get worse and worse. I'm taking a small get away this weekend but I've just learned that I'm going to have to take at least work from 2 of my classes w/ me. Not much of a get away. (more like a take it all w/ me!)

On a lighter note....LMAO...I had nerve conduction tests done on my hands to see just how bad the carpal tunnel is. As of right now I don't know how it came out but my hands are killing me!! I had to get Lena to open a bottle of water for me today...she also cooked dinner. I guess I'm going to have to start wearing my braces again. And just so you know....the tests basicly tell the doc whether I can treat my hands w/ injections or if I need surgury. Neither one sounds too good. Just no pain in the hands sounds great! Know if any miracle workers??

Till next time....

Happy Birthday...NOT!!!

I woke up this morning to my mother screaming at my children....my children being spiteful and dragging butt...and then of course came the tears! I went to sleep last night about 2am because of homework...I had a test to take 1st thing this morning...I was in no mood for this. I tried to go to school and salvage part of my mood and concentration so I could take the test. (I think that I did ok) My next class was ok but my teacher said that she is toying w/ the idea of not doing the next chapter in class b/c we only have 10 more classes b4 the semester is over. Let me help ya....chapter 9-13 in 10 classes. NOT GOOD! Then I went to subway....what a joke! For some reason we had 4 people there and no business....the manager in me says that we were killing labor cost....the part-timer in me says who cares I need the hours. Well....someone quit and they didn't cover any of her shifts. (that was sooooo smart) So I ended up working part of the time at wal-mart and the other part at the old store. I knew when they told me who was at the old store that I would be working my butt off....and I did! So...Happy birthday to me...I can't wait to go to bed!!!

Don't hold back...

Let's see....I getting ready to turn 31 and I'm feeling really down about how things are going. I'm now working 2 jobs and going to school full time. I don't really have time to eat or sleep let alone do the work that is needed for the classes! I feel like I'm killing myself for no reason. The last time that I went to court w/ Greg we got outside and he said to me that he just couldn't afford this!!! He is the reason that I'm working so hard! I have to make sure that the girls have what they need and to do that I need money whether or not he does his part. I have a new bill of $145 a month just for my oldest ones braces! I basically work to keep them in afterschool care, school lunches, school pics, field trips, clothes, doc and dentist visits, and now BRACES! I have enough money left over to put gas in my car to go to the 2 jobs and eat when I actually have time...that's it....nothing else! I'm tired of having to neglect myself because my sorry ex won't do his part! By neglect I mean going to the doc and dentist myself! I haven't been in 8 and 12 years respectively. I'm probably going to lose all my teeth and am probably dying of something that is very treatable! I know things will get better as soon as I get through school but I think that getting through is going to be a lot harder than I thought. I've had several things happen where I've had to miss class....the girls got the flu, them I got the flu, I had court, then I had a family member die. My grades have suffered but not from those things from the jobs. I'm still at least pulling off "B's". I don't think that it is good enough...How can I be a good role model for my children when I'm never here and when I am I'm either doing homework or pissy because I have and haven't gotten any sleep and worked too much! Is this life?? If so I'm miserable!