It's just getting the better of me...

Today is one of those days that I just couldn't hold back what I'm feeling. That's really not a good thing when you work w/ the public all the time. And no it really has nothing to do w/ the customers that I wait on or the patron from my other job. I'm just really tired of working my butt off and for what reason. I feel as though my life is completely stagnet. I'm working 7 days on any given week...no time to myself or for just me and the girls and time w/ Michael is just a joke. He says that things are changing...they may be for him but not for me.

Tonight I gave my kids to their father for the weekend...like I do every other weekend, but today is different. They are going to a theme park tomorrow. I guess that it's a mother's thing to worry but I'm also pissed as hell. I never get to "play" w/ them...I'm the serious one that always has to work. They aren't going to want to hang out w/ parents for much longer....and how am I spending it?? WORKING!! Does all the work make it better? Am I getting anywhere? The answer is no. Things just kinda happen for him....new car...new house, brand new house. Oh by the way....he doesn't have to pay to get into the theme park and he is allowed to drive behind the buses w/ the other child when she isn't even allowed to go. These are things that I was told that couldn't be done. So I didn't take off from work to go too because I didn't think that it was right to leave the youngest behind. I know that it's not good to wish bad off on people but if he comes back and either of the girls is harmed...he will be sorry!

With my family, it's not great now either. Yet another bad person that's having great things happen to them. I'm so tired of seeing MY mother fussing over my step sister b/c she is pregnant. If I had known that you could get so much attention marrying and being knocked up by a convicted felon...I would have done it years ago!! Instead...I married a man that I thought that I loved....trying to fill the void left by my father's death and then having 2 children. I'm glad that nothing like that has happened to her b/c I don't know where I would be w/o her dad!! I wish sometimes I could take things for granted and not care about how something made someone else felt....and I wish that other people felt as I do...then they would do or say the things that they would. Fuck them...fuck them all. I hope that one day they experience all the pain that they have put me and other family members through.

I'm tired of being a nice person...all it gets me is a nice cry at night before I go to sleep. Me trying to throw myself into books that I check out and convincing myself that the character's lives are the important thing and they will relieve some of this pain. Food isn't doing it anymore. I'm just tired of it all! But yet I'm going to go to bed...wake up tomorrow and go to one of my jobs and pray that my children are ok w/ their uncaring father. And just keep on going b/c it's what I guess I'm supposed to do!