Confused....

I went to a funeral today of a family member that I had no memory of. It was a lot harder than I thought that it would be. It was hard seeing people that I still care about deeply so upset....but most of them didn't know who I was. I think that was the painful part for me...having to explain that even though my last name is Harvey...and no I'm not married...am Johnny's daughter. Then I get the intense thought look and it's hard for them to recall what I looked like. These people have only seen me when Daddy died and both of my grandparents. My cousin Sonya wanted to take me out to Polly and Pops old place and show me the flowers that she wanted. She has always been really nice to me....she can have anything that she wants. Her and my cousin Allen kinda took me under their wing today. I should have been there for them but some how it felt like the other way around. They invited me back to the house after the funeral for lunch...most of the family were going to be there. Mom thought that I was crazy for going...I thought that I was too. Jackie and Larry were going to be there. I wouldn't have gone at all but Allen asked me. I have such fond memories of him when I was growing up. He would come over to see Pops and he could barely get out of his truck and I would run up to him to pick me up. Today I sat in a room w/ him among relatives that I couldn't recall their names but I knew their faces...and listened to them remember the man that had died...their childhood hyginx...things that family members did or said. I just sat quite...I didn't know the stories...I wasn't there....but I should have been. These are just good ol' country folk. These people are my history and where I'm from....why don't I feel it. I feel like the city mouse that has come to visit the country mouse. I think that I have messed up by not being around because of Jackie. I can't get the time back that I have lost and I have lost half my life time. I look at Allen now and he looks so much like my grandfather...my Pops. I don't want to squander the time that he has left here too. It was his brother that died...and I'm so sad. More than I thought that I would be.