Not what I had expected....

I will be the first to admit that my that my first wedding and marriage was not traditional at all. I always thought that I was doing the right thing. I constantly compair the choices that I made years ago to the decisions that I'm making now. I have had my doubts only because of the results of my last marriage. Am I making the same mistake? I finally have a solid answer to that question.

I had my bachlorette party last night and Michael's bachlor party is tonight. I didn't do anything like this before my first wedding. I couldn't go out to party or drink because I was only 19 and pregnant. I didn't know exactly what my feelings would be this go round. I had heard of these parties breaking up relationships right before the wedding. The only thing that this had really shown me is that I don't function without him. I have truly found the person that I'm meant to be with. Because of different situations we haven't really spoken but for one hour since this past Thursday. I miss him! I can't wait to wake up and see his face every morning and he is who I want to cuddle up with to go to sleep at night. He is my other half. The person that makes me whole.

The count down....

We are 15 days away from the wedding. I'm excited about finally being married to Michael...stressed as hell about the wedding itself. It has so taken on a life of it's own. I really can't wait for the stressful part to be over with. I really just wanted a relaxing time to come together w/ friends and family. No drama...no weirdness...no greed! Worrying about not having enough food because people have started inviting other people or bringing as much family of theirs as they want. It's driving me insane and I really don't have the money for what it's turning into.

Michael said to me the other day that we should have just eloped...I'm beginning to think that he is right. However, I didn't want to take the whole wedding thing away from him. He has never been married. My family up north (aka my good family) were talking about how excited they were about coming down for the wedding! They haven't been "down" in years!

I think that I'm starting to loose site of what this really is meant to be. Instead it's feeling more like a three ringed circus...or maybe even a boxing match! (In this corner we have.....)

*sigh*

Thoughts....

I realized the other day that I have a blog that I never use...LOL! It's not that I don't have anything to say...most of the time I just don't know how to say it. I'm getting married in a little more than a month. I'm very excited about it and am happier than I have been in years. I was married before but it so didn't feel like this. There is a difference between the two that is very obvious to me. It feels like my life is finally starting. I feel like I belong where I am for once.

Well hopefully I'll remember that my blog is here and maybe I'll post some pics of the wedding. I don't know....we'll see!

It's just getting the better of me...

Today is one of those days that I just couldn't hold back what I'm feeling. That's really not a good thing when you work w/ the public all the time. And no it really has nothing to do w/ the customers that I wait on or the patron from my other job. I'm just really tired of working my butt off and for what reason. I feel as though my life is completely stagnet. I'm working 7 days on any given week...no time to myself or for just me and the girls and time w/ Michael is just a joke. He says that things are changing...they may be for him but not for me.

Tonight I gave my kids to their father for the weekend...like I do every other weekend, but today is different. They are going to a theme park tomorrow. I guess that it's a mother's thing to worry but I'm also pissed as hell. I never get to "play" w/ them...I'm the serious one that always has to work. They aren't going to want to hang out w/ parents for much longer....and how am I spending it?? WORKING!! Does all the work make it better? Am I getting anywhere? The answer is no. Things just kinda happen for him....new car...new house, brand new house. Oh by the way....he doesn't have to pay to get into the theme park and he is allowed to drive behind the buses w/ the other child when she isn't even allowed to go. These are things that I was told that couldn't be done. So I didn't take off from work to go too because I didn't think that it was right to leave the youngest behind. I know that it's not good to wish bad off on people but if he comes back and either of the girls is harmed...he will be sorry!

With my family, it's not great now either. Yet another bad person that's having great things happen to them. I'm so tired of seeing MY mother fussing over my step sister b/c she is pregnant. If I had known that you could get so much attention marrying and being knocked up by a convicted felon...I would have done it years ago!! Instead...I married a man that I thought that I loved....trying to fill the void left by my father's death and then having 2 children. I'm glad that nothing like that has happened to her b/c I don't know where I would be w/o her dad!! I wish sometimes I could take things for granted and not care about how something made someone else felt....and I wish that other people felt as I do...then they would do or say the things that they would. Fuck them...fuck them all. I hope that one day they experience all the pain that they have put me and other family members through.

I'm tired of being a nice person...all it gets me is a nice cry at night before I go to sleep. Me trying to throw myself into books that I check out and convincing myself that the character's lives are the important thing and they will relieve some of this pain. Food isn't doing it anymore. I'm just tired of it all! But yet I'm going to go to bed...wake up tomorrow and go to one of my jobs and pray that my children are ok w/ their uncaring father. And just keep on going b/c it's what I guess I'm supposed to do!

I haven't blogged in forever....

I don't really have anything great to say which is partly why I haven't updated lately. I've been going through many things but I really don't feel like this is the place to discuss them. On that note I've taken on "dealing w/ one thing at a time" Not so much as now this one is done let me move on to the other...it's more of a which one needs the attention today type thing.

I hate my job and really want to go back to school but I really don't know how that it's possible. I've started physically feeling bad but the earliest the doc can get me in there is Nov. 7th. The more that this feeling goes on the more I feel like the doc that I have an appt w/ probably can't help me. I really don't know what to do or where to go. Sometimes I think that it's all in my head but then something happens that I can't really control.

Anywho...sadly enough it's not a priority...I have other things that need my time and money...and I am not one of them. At least till Nov 7th.....

Finally something good!!

I started Weight Watchers about 3 weeks ago. ( well almost 4 now!) Anywho...I've actually been losing weight! I'm so excited! I never knew that I had so much willpower on certain things. It's a good feeling to know that you are doing the right things to get healthy! I guess it's kinda like a high. I've been on the message board at WW, some people have quotes under there names. I saw one that explains it all....Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels! At work today one of the ladies in the kitchen is going back to Mexico...2 different people bought her a cake. So we basically had a whole sheet cake! I didn't have any of it. Everyone was chowing on this huge pieces of cake...meanwhile I was eating my baby carrots. Right of the bat it doesn't sound like a very good trade off but I have a weigh in on Tues. I've already lost 8.8 lbs! I don't want to mess that up! I feel that there is finally something that I can completely control in my life....I CHOOSE not to be fat anymore!

Quote

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.


Oscar Wilde (7)

Still nothing good!!

Well...nothing is still good in my life and I think that it's about time that I have more of a hand in what is going on in it!! I'm taking the time that I have w/o the girls and I'm job hunting like all get out!! I've got to get out of the job that I'm in. It's just all sorts of bad! I work w/ my step sis...she makes my schedule...everyone is talking about her wedding and how it's so great and I'm just trying not to say anything one way or the other but it's not working!! (Damn that was a run on sentence if I ever saw one...LOL) Anyhow... the job it self has gotten bad...no one is doing their job including management and everything is based on if you are buddy buddy w/ them. I don't work well in those kinds of situations. I do better on the merit of your work getting you some where. Not here!!

So heres hoping that this will be a good step in the right diection.....we shall see!!!